Getting parenting right, Dr. Gabor Mate, author of Hold On To Your Kids, stresses the importance of getting parenting right in the first 3 years. No pressure! He really captures the need for parents to securely attach to their kids from the start, in order to faciliate their healthy development of becoming secure, thriving adults. A securely attached relationship with our kids depends on our capacity to be with our kids, to be present. I love his take on discipline, which can be a controversial parenting issue. Gabor invites parents to make our kids desire to be our disciples. Children want to belong to us. Disciples aren’t afraid of you. They love you and want to follow you. So how do we do that? His answer: essential to healthy development is the template of a nurturing relationship with mutually responsive adults.

• Stay in relationshp and connection with your kids.
• Be available to them when they are difficult and upset.
• Pick up your kids when they are crying.
• Give them the message that their emotions matter to you.

Kids need our help to calm down, so we need to stay with them through their distress. Think about what you need when you are upset as an adult – you want to be heard, comforted, validated, and connected with someone you love and feel safe with. Our kids derserve the same. This can also be an opportunity to give to your kids what you didn’t have growing up with your own parents. Now, I know this is difficult, and sometimes not possible, but we can always do our best, or even try harder.

• Love your kids unconditionally, and remind them of this as much as you can.
• Stay mindful of both the implicit and explicit messages your kids internalize from how you treat them. Embody this message from head to toe – I welcome and am overjoyed by your presence – and your kids will believe you.

When you children look up to you with love, admiration, respect, safety, and connection, they in turn, listen, respond, follow and respect you. We can set clear, consistent boundaries explainng and demonstrating what is ok and not ok, and do so with love. Build your children’s sense of security, stability, and reliability within themselves using their relationship with you.