To Heck With Unconditional Love. Unconditional Love Is Not The Answer.
Cecilia Biglieri — Friday, September 14th, 2012
The follow article is written by a colleague of mine—who is also a member of the Green Psychology community. She recently shared with me the secrets to finding a good man. She said the key was giving up on the notion of unconditional love. Instead, she took the time to develop her FOUR CONDITIONS, which she explains below:
What’s Better Than Unconditional Love?
In the last few years of my life I dance tango, start practicing Green Psychology, settle more into my career, was adopted by a cat, tattooed myself and survived cancer.
After all my growth and transformation I found myself being fully alive physically and emotionally as never before . . . but still struggling with dating. I wanted and was longing to find myself in a meaningful, intimate relationship.
After continuing to disappoint myself with the dating scene I had enough information from my dates to write the screenplay for a horror movie.
At one of the Green Psychology retreats I went to—in these retreats everyone gives themselves a new name—I named myself “Single Women with a Cat.” That’s when I decided to be alone (with my cat) until meeting a good and mature Man. No more compromising!
To make sure I didn’t compromise again, I developed 4 conditions that any future partner would need to say “YES” to, or else I would discontinue dating him.
1) He had to say to me: “Yes, I want the same thing you want.” I wanted a committed, exclusive, long-term relationship. No doubts, no games, no drama, no “but”, no excuses.
I needed this before I would continue moving myself further with more dates (spending time together, movie and ice cream).
2) I needed to hear him saying, “Yes, I am in a great place in my life and I want to share myself with you.” For me, this was about his self-esteem and his financial/job/career stability. I wanted to see him having a full appreciation for his personal growth up to this point in his life and enjoying the opportunities that life was offering him in the present.
I needed this before making any further commitments (traveling together, family involvement, living together).
3) I needed him to tell me, “Yes, I am done with the past.” This meant that he had processed and grown himself from the valuable lessons from his past relationships. And that he had no ghosts, unfinished business or still any emotional lingering with his ex-partners. I wanted to experience him clear and ready to step into the present to explore a new beginning with me
I needed to hear this before sleeping/making love/opening sexually.
4) I need for him to tell me, “Yes, I want YOU.” For me this was about seeing him focusing his energy on wanting to attract and capture my attention, making himself available to me/us.
I needed to experience an ongoing dynamic of nourishment and emotional safety before I would give myself fully to him.
I have come to realize that some “yes” answers are forever, and others may change over time. In others words, “yes to letting go of the past” can be forever, but ”yes to wanting you” depends on many things. For lovers to say, “yes, I want you,” will be conditional. For me, I will require my partner to be faithful, mature and kind. So some “yes” answers need to be renewed every day.
I am happy to say that the above 4 conditions have worked really well for me. I now am with a partner. It took us 3 months before we could each answer “Yes!” to the other person’s conditions.
I found it very helpful to be “intolerant” in the beginning. This is something Green Psychology advocates, being intolerant during the dating stage of relationships. I used that concept as a tool so as not to compromise what is important to me, and to remind myself that my life is too short to “un-health” myself by being with the wrong partner.
I have inspired myself by Jake’s and Hannah’s input, wisdom and personal testimony of their own relationship. I see them offering a new model for creating and sustaining healthy relationships
If you have any questions, please post them and I will respond to you.
No longer “A Single Woman With a Cat”
If you are looking to find a good partner, or to improve the romantic relationship you have, I strongly encourage you to develop your own FOUR CONDITIONS. Then, all you need to do in stay true to your conditions, don’t compromise, and you can break your cycle of attracting the wrong partners into your life. Could it be this simple?